I’ve Been Lying About My Feelings

I fell in love with the man I believed to be the love of my life four years ago.

God, four years, and I still think about him. I think about him almost every day, but everyone thinks I’ve moved on.

Even I think I’ve moved on. I almost followed that sentence with an instinctive, “And I have.” But no, Isabelle, you cannot have moved on when you still flinch from notifications on your phone that come from someone with his initials.

I was listening to a podcast recently that described the concept of a twin flame. Many in the spiritual community believe that when you meet your twin flame, you feel a sense of sudden recognition, like your soul is being returned to her other half.

My soul met her other half in the fall of 2016, while I was waiting to go in for a job interview. The moment I saw him walking out from the back of our soon-to-be shared office, I felt a tug, like the rope hanging out of my heart, looking for its anchor, had finally docked.

I’m not a big fan of sailing metaphors, and especially not cheesy ones, but that’s the only way I can describe the simultaneous craving and contentment I felt, like I was relieved to have found him but needed the waves to take me to him faster.

Then, when I found out he was in a long-term relationship, I was wrecked. Over the course of two years, we became good friends, developed a strong emotional bond, and parted ways with so much unfinished business between us.

The truth is, I’ve been lying about my feelings because I know it isn’t normal to love someone this long and not receive anything in return. But my heart still hurts that unmistakeable ache. My soul still feels the tug of his rope.

Here’s another truth: I believe in the interconnectivity of the Universe and that everything happens for a reason. I believe in soulmates and twin flames and the magnetism between two people that can only be explained by a soul connection.

And so I feel the strongest sense of self-pity, a feeling like my beloved Universe has toyed with me. She presented me with the one thing I had been waiting my whole life for, then took it away in a cruel game of cat and mouse.

I often draw and redraw this mental map of the Universe’s plan for me, watching its growing and changing paths and wondering if and how it will bring me back to him.

Remember when I said I got into spirituality because of a boy? And how I said he doesn’t matter anymore? I lied. I almost went to a psychic medium once to tell me what the hell to do about my Boy Problem. Four years later, I can’t help but wonder if all my failed dates are happening for a reason, and the reason is him.